Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
