He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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