im about as happy as oj after his trial
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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