Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
