Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
