my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
