Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sext me about skeletons
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize