Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize