Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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