he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
