There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
