I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize