i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love having hate sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
