If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
