Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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