i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
