He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
