my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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