ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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