Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
