the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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