I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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