The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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