You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
