I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
