You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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