she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
