I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
