I wish I only lived at night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
