My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
