In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
