I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
