Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
