How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
