She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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