Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
