Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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