I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Randomize
