i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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