he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
