So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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