tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
