I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
