who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
