my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize