Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
