Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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