the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
