i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
