Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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