EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize