The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
