You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
