I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
