so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
