Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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