Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
