There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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