My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
