I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
