Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
two words...techno handjob
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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