when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
